So you know when people talk about hitting bottom? Today may be it. I just drove my oldest child to the airport, my husband is away for the week for work, and I just returned to a house that is no longer mine. To an empty house.
The very sound of my footsteps on the floor made me cry. Besides that sound there’s this eerie sound of silence, which is hard to explain but it feels really bad. A house creak here and there which makes me feel like I am in the wrong place. That someway, somehow I am intruding on the emptiness.
This is not my beautiful house.
Many blogs tout the positive, or an alter ego, or a hope for being better. I am not up for that today. Today I am just sad.
I read my Gandhi, I try to stay present, but my present is sad. I know there are worse things, I do, but that just makes me feel like my sadness isn’t justified. Then I feel self-centered, self-absorbed and weak.
The recession took its toll. I am one of the many victims. I suppose I am angry as well. I suppose that doesn’t help me in anyway either.
So here is my dilemma, should I feel sad? Should I stuff the sadness deep inside and ignore it? Is my sadness justified? Why am I even asking that? What will I do here all by myself for the next week? (There is tons of work to be done, I just don’t want to do it.)
I have built walls around myself for the past year. That is one thing I am an expert at doing. However, that doesn’t help anything, but I see it as a necessity for self-preservation. Weird when I need help I make sure that there will be no one there to help. Maybe because I know that if my own family won’t help I know no one else would even consider it. And rather than suffer more pain, I chose not to allow even a remote possibility of being let down.
In any case, that’s my story for today. Nothing that will make anyone a better person, or make any one more money, or help the human race. Just a truthful account of my place in this time.